Kate (mskatej) wrote,

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Getting Older

When I asked Pete to go with me to Rob's fancy work BBQ this Saturday it wasn't because I thought, he, of all my friends, would dig it the most. Fuck, it was pretty damn obvious he wasn't that bothered from the outset, which, as I'm sure he's unaware, didn't go unnoticed. I asked him because I needed a *date*. Being the only single person in my department, I'm already picturing the massive coupleyness of the do, and just for once, I would have liked to turn up with an attractive, socially adept man on my arm. Even though he's just my friend and even though everyone at work knows I'm not hooked up, having a date was something I was really relying on, just so I wouldn't be the odd one out. Pete backing out on me two days beforehand is the single crappiest thing he's ever done to me and he doesn't even know it. He doesn't understand what part he was meant to be playing (I didn't tell him. Hell, I didn't even realise until he bailed on me and I got terribly upset about it and cried) yet I still feel so angry and hurt and I want to make him suffer for it. Not in a spiteful way, in a "you let me down big time and I can't speak to you until I'm over it" sort of way. I find it weird that I don't know any other single, attractive men (of course, if I did, I'd probably be dating them). I know several lovely but unattractive single men. Who I adore but who I don't want to take as my date because I'm totally shallow like that.

I've never cared before about this shit and I'm desperate not to become obsessive about finding love like some of my thirty something friends. It's way too Ally McBeal, and ew. But I am genuinely starting to wonder, seriously wonder, whether I am ever going to find someone I can stand being in a relationship with. I don't fall in love and I never meet men I find attractive in a long term sort of way (except Patrick, who, of course, wasn't interested in me). Perhaps I will just breeze through life on my own, having meaningless sex, breaking hearts of men who don't move mine, hoping someone will come along that fills my long list of criteria, getting drunk and watching lots of TV. That might not be so bad.
Tags: real life
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