(Picture heavy. Caps by oxoniensis.)
Woe. The book Sam is reading is boring.
"You feel like going out, Dean? I'm bored."
"Nope. I'm eating."
"Fine!" Sam says. "I'll go out without you." He walks towards the door and...
...can't bring himself to go. Coincidentally, somebody knocks at the door at that precise moment.
It's their relationship counselor! Sam welcomes him into their home.
Dean isn't too happy about seeing him. Dean doesn't think they "need therapy" but Sam has to insist upon it, because Dean is such a handful.
Fags, thinks the relationship counselor.
"I like it when he blows into my ear," Sam says coyly.
Is that what they call it these days, wonders Dean.
"I just wish he wasn't always such a jerk!" Sam complains. "He's always such a jerk, dude. It's hard for me!"
"Why the hell is he moaning about being hard?" Dean says, confused and annoyed. "I don't get him at all."
The relationship counselor has his work cut out for him.
Earlier in a bar...
"I'll show you," Dean says. "Girls love me!"
"What are you saying, Dean?"
"See!" Dean is extremely pleased with himself.
Gaylord, thinks Sam.
"You were so judgmental," Dean says. "Maybe I'm not a gaylord."
"Did you ever consider that?"
"Sam? Dean's got a point. Does the word 'projection' mean anything to you?"
"Ha!" Sam laughs. "You should have seen him, counselor. He was trying too hard for a straight guy. This is how I remember it..."
"Hi there, pretty lady. Can I buy you a daiquiri?"
"No, but I'll have some of yours if you don't mind."
"What about my daiquiri?"
Dean tries kissing a girl for a bit, but she tastes strange and unfamiliar.
"Does he really think I'm not going to remember about my cocktail? Because I bloody well will do. Ew though. Why is he kissing a girl?"
"Sam, stop talking to yourself. I'm busy here."
"Busy! Wow, that's rich. I'm drinkless and all you care about is proving that you're not a gaylord. HOW INCREDIBLY LAME."
"If you don't believe me, why not just ask the lady?"
"Sure, Dean, I will. If you can find her."
Dean spins around and discovers that the girl he was making out with has bailed. With his drink.
"So you see what I'm saying now, right?"
This guy is the worst relationship counselor of all time.
Later, the boys go cruising.
"Dean can hold a lot in his mouth, as you can see. So how about it?"
Much to Sam's relief the guy isn't interested. This hurts Dean's feelings.
"I don't want to talk about it," Dean says grumpily.
"He wasn't even that good looking, Dean. Why are you so upset?"
"How would you feel if we were turned down because you couldn't fit enough into your mouth?"
"Huh," Sam says, suddenly understanding.
This guy might do, thinks Dean desperately. Hopefully Sam won't ruin it by being too girly.
Oh great, thinks Dean. We are SO not getting laid tonight.
Dean tries not to cry.
"Gotta go!" the short guy says, clearly frightened. Sam doesn't seem to know what's going on, but Dean gets it.
"Don't worry, dude. Next time I'll do the talking, okay?" Dean says comfortingly.
Sam pouts at him with understanding.
Later, Dean finds a wad of money. "Have you been tricking behind my back, Sam?"
"What? No! Um. What was the question?"
"Where did you get this money?" Dean demands.
"Let me think..." Sam says, shutting his eyes and trying to remember.
Dean laughs derisively. "Don't lie to me, Sammy. If you lie to me I will beat you down."
"I've had it up to here with your accusations."
"Yeah, well I'm keeping this money. For your own good!"
Sam has other ideas.
"Hey! Don't try to distract me with your big soft hand on my ass!"
"Playing hard to get, huh?" Sam scoffs, unimpressed.
"Come to poppa," Sam says, grabbing at Dean. Poppa? Dean thinks. Way to make this relationship even weirder, Sam.
"Ooh yeah, I like it rough," Dean growls.
"I'm just going to take you over to the bed now, Dean. Hope that's all right with you."
"Yeah good. I love the way you manhandle me."
"I'm so turned on!" Sam shouts.
"I just need to manoeuvre you into the perfect position, then I'll fuck you so hard you won't be able to walk tomorrow!" he promises.
"YEAH BABY YEAH!"
"Harder!" Dean yells.
"Like this?" Sam asks, mildly concerned.
Dean grits his teeth and takes it like a man.
Then they both come really, really hard.
Afterwards they cuddle on the bed and Dean tells Sam ghost stories until Sam falls asleep with a peaceful smile on his face.