Kate (mskatej) wrote,

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Closer. I feel the need to rant.

Today I felt like watching movies so I got out a couple, one of which I didn't actually want to see but thought I should. That would be Closer. If you in any way liked that film, maybe don't click on the cut tag.

I'm actually floored by how dire that was.

People do not talk like that. People do not behave like that. Nice attempt at realism but NO CIGAR.

Dear the writer of that piece of shit play/film,

Kill yourself.



I don't even know where to start so I'll start by slagging off Damien Rice. That song (which I like singing along to),The Blower's Daugher, is so fucking wet. Not unlike the characters in the movie!

Let's start with my "favourite": Clive Owen. He managed to - at least for a while - come across like an actual person. Then he turned into a pathetic, compassionless, souless fucktard! He was inexplicably obsessed with the peculiarly dreary Julia Roberts, who maybe loved him or maybe loved Jude Law or maybe didn't love anything except sex with the person she wasn't seeing (although I can't imagine her having sex or the supposed orgasms she claimed she had. Too frosty). Jude Law, for someone meant to be pretty, had about as much sex appeal as my dead grandmother, and what's with all the men balling their eyes out? Why do I have to see Clive Owen break down like a giant manbaby in front of a stripper? WHY? Why did every single one of the really pretty hotass cast have to be so desperately unattractive? WHY?

Clive's delivery of the line, "Now fuck off and die. You fucked up slag" was a single glowing gem in a field of dung, however.

Where the fuck was all the sex? They talked about it constantly yet no one actually got laid for the entire movie. They told us they were getting laid but I didn't buy it, given the total lack of sexual chemistry, the completely retarded portrayal of relationships and the absence of anything approaching genuine human emotion. They explained a lot of their feelings to me, but didn't show me any of them. I HATE THAT SO MUCH.

If we're supposed to care about people and feel anything at all about the breakups and makeups and girlfriend/boyfriend swapping, we have to at least understand why the relationships exist in the first place. Please show us something other than the angst. Show us that yes, these people do actually love each other. Show us the fucking. Show us the joy. That way the pain might actually mean something.

God I hate pretentious films. Especially pretentious films with so little understanding of the human condition.

I love how when it came out, many of the critics were falling all over themselves to praise the script. MORONS. Closer had  possibly the worst dialogue I've ever heard in a film in my whole life. I haven't seen the play but I'll tell you right now. It's BAD. It's a bad, bad, stupid, wanky, inane, pointless play with no redeeming features.

I'll finish on a positive note because I'm like that: It wasn't boring.

Now to go watch Thumbsucker, which better be good. It has Keanu in it so it really can't fail.
Tags: film
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