Happy Birthday toadstoolsmiles!
I love you so very very much. You're my girl. I can't imagine my life without you in it and I can't WAIT to meet you in person next month. You make me laugh, you make me think, you inspire me, you're a loyal, hilarious, brilliant, talented, wonderful wonderful person and I'm proud to call you my friend. Please make an OTP icon for us when you get a moment.
With much love,
To celebrate Becky's birthday, I have written a Clexy love story, based on oxoniensis's screencaps from the episode Hypnotic. Picture and smut and silliness heavy.
Clark hasn't been laid in MONTHS and he's really horny. So horny in fact, that he decides to hook up with the first skanky ho he can find. She's up for it too because Clark is excessively hot and easy and she's never been the type to enjoy a challenge. They have sex against a gate type thing outside, but even while he pumps his cock into her, Clark's mind is on other things...
Her bad perm for one. Girl, we're in the twentyfirst century are we not? Clark thinks. He wonders if he'll be able to achieve orgasm.
Apparently not, goddamit. He's still hard and desperate to come. Perhaps if they retire to the barn and take off their clothes they'll have more luck.
He looks at himself in the mirror for a while. God you're gorgeous, he thinks to himself.
Oh shit. Clark should probably at least try to pay attention to the hooker. Is she a hooker? Clark has no clue. For that matter, he has no money, so hopefully she's impressed enough with his massive boner not to charge him.
"What do you think? Am I big enough for you?" Clark already knows the answer to that stupid question: DUH.
"The last person I was with was pretty spectacular, Sandy." "That's Simone." "Whatever. I'm just warning you. You're unlikely to compare favourably." "You talk too much, big guy. Now stick it in me." "Oh YEAH. I love dirty talk."
But just before penetration, Clark remembers... He pulls away, frightened and confused. Boobies feel wrong.
"So let me get this straight. You're telling me that Clark isn't an alien but that he IS a good kisser?"
"You fucking bitch. I'll kill you for touching him."
Lex imagines making out with Clark and has to reach down between his legs and stroke his hardening penis roughly.
"He really is a great kisser, isn't he. He sucks cock like a pro too, fyi."
"But listen, Serena." "That's Simone, asshole." "Whatever. Listen to me. If you ever touch Clark again, I will hunt you down, and KICK YOUR ASS. Got it?"
"Have her killed, Jenkins. Make it slow and painful." Lex is so mad. He hadn't considered the possibility that sending a hideously unattractive girl to fuck Clark would come back and bite him in the ass like this.
It's been so long since Clark was last in his bed... Don't cry, Lex. Be a man. DON'T CRY.
Tears well up in his eyes as he remembers the last time Clark fucked him in the ass. It had really HURT.
"Hi honey! I'm home!" Lex says automatically, after seeing Clark standing there waiitng for him in his office. Old habits die hard...
"You look great, Clark. What's for dinner?"
"JESUS FUCKING CHRIST CLARK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!"
"I'm very very mad at you, Lex."
"Fuck ME that hurts. FUCKING HELL CLARK. ARE YOU FUCKING CRAZY?!"
"I think I'm CUT. I am SO telling your mother about this."
"Leave Mom out of it! This is between you and me."
"Remember you and me Lex? REMEMBER?"
"Of course I remember you crazy sonofabitch!"
"LIAR!" Clark screams. "Oh god not again!" Lex screams.
"I think you BRUISED me, Clark. I HATE being bruised."
"Well, okay, sometimes I like it. Remember how rough you used to be with me? Some of those finger shaped bruises lasted for DAYS."
"So you DO remember me and you," Clark said. "TELL ME AGAIN LEX, OR I'LL PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE."
"I MEAN IT."
"I remember Clark! I remember your hands and your mouth and your tongue and your massive cock!"
"Also. I love you!"
Clark is confused. Again. "You love me?"
"Yeeeeeees. Soooooo much."
Clark softens perceptibly and is just about to kiss Lex passionately on the mouth, when that fucking bitch blonde whore waltzes in and interrupts them. Wasn't she meant to be dead by now? Lex is not pleased with his staff.
"I am hideous but you will all bow down to me," she says.
Lex refuses to look at her because he's afraid it'll burn his eyes if he does.
Oh man, not this again. "Clark! What did I do NOW?"
"I got rid of the perm, like you asked, Clarky. What do you think?"
"It's horrible. I don't like hair," Clark says, gazing into Lex's eyes.
"Did you have sex with her, Lex? I'll kill you if you did." "Of course not, Clark. She's gross."
Clark, relieved, drops Lex to the floor.
Thankfully, at the last minute, Chloe Sullivan walks in and kills Simone. "Chloe. How would you like to come work for me?"
WOW. That was intense. Lex could use a drink.
"Clark. I really think we need to talk. Why don't you get rid of Chloe and come join me in the den."
"Okay!" Clark's not good at thinking on his feet and he panics. He really needs to come up with a good excuse to get rid of Chloe so he and Lex can "talk".
Chloe is much smarter than Clark is so when she realises that he's trying to rid of her because he has a ginormous hard-on for Lex, she stares at his chest, deeply embarrassed.
"God you're so hot, Clark. Now take me to bed or lose me forever."
And then they lived happily ever after.