Kate (mskatej) wrote,
Kate
mskatej

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Not suitable for children

Must write down so I never forget

 

Had drinks with Dave last night and yeah, went home with him, got laid, and couldn't get to sleep until 5.30 this morning, despite my tiredness. But was it worth it?

 

Dave is nice, Dave is amusing, Dave is cute, Dave is pretty good in bed (the time after the party five weeks ago was bags of fun). But there were a couple of problems that cannot be overlooked.

 

In all his 41 years, Dave has never learned how to kiss. The term "mouth rape" springs to mind. All open mouth, keep it open, shove in tongue. No finesse whatsoever. No *actual* kissing in fact. In all honesty, it was completely gross and I absolutely hated it every time he tried to kiss me. The tongue, depsite what some people seem to think, should be used sparingly. So when tongues collide, it's special. *shudders at memory*

 

Furthermore, I mistakenly told him that I liked dirty talk, after which he wouldn't shut the fuck up. Again, no finesse. There is an art to these things, and saying pussy as many times as possible in the space of a minute is Not What I Meant By Dirty Talk.

 

Make mental note: Never, ever use Durex's Tingle Lube again. Ever.

It burns! And not in a good way. In a way that all was going well and everything was feeling as it should and then suddenly *nothing* feels good anymore and I'm wondering what the hell that unpleasant burning sensation is. Apparently I'm not alone either - Caroline had the exact same problem with it.

 

It wasn't all bad, though I didn't orgasm for a number of reasons, Tingle being one of them, incessant bad dirty talk being another, drunkeness a third. So after a while I just felt exhausted and told him to straddle my chest and finish himself off. Which he did. Fittingly, when he came all over my face some went up my nose (both nostrils), which made me burst out laughing (possibly in horror). Also, got some in my eye, and fuck me does that sting.  I mean, I'm all for dirty, filthy, kinky sex, but I won't be letting anyone come on my face again for, oh,  the next Million Years.

 

He's also a little too obsessed with anal, which is just freaky. He actually wanted to skip normal sex and get straight to my ass. Jesus, I kept having to smack his hand away. 

 

And now I'm grumpy as hell and I should be the opposite because I had sex and that doesn't happen every day to ol' Katie. 

 

The verdict: Definitely not worth it.

Plan: Stick to porn.

Tags: real life
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